I want to talk about the worst thing you can call a mother. It begins with ‘S’ and all mothers try to avoid it like it’s the scarlet letter.
SELFISH
If you call a fellow mom selfish, beware! I am here to tell you, please call me selfish!
I want to break down this word and use it correctly. Because being selfish, in and of it’s self, is NOT bad. We need to first understand the word correctly so we can apply it effectively.
Selfish, according to Webster’s Dictionary is defined as: concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself: seeking or concentrating on one’s own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others. Sounds simple enough, right? But what I want to ask you is, why are you considered bad if you are doing something that directly benefits you? Having primary concern for yourself does not need to accompany a disregard for others. You are only you. And you, I am guessing, know yourself better than anyone else. You have morals and values. You are smart and compassionate. When you choose to do something that directly benefits you, I would argue you are better able to benefit, improve and support others that YOU care about. When I think of this, I am always reminded of the flight attendant in the isle right before takeoff. They remind us to put our oxygen mask on first before assisting anyone else aboard the aircraft. Why? Because if we aren’t getting life saving oxygen we cannot help anyone else. Without oxygen we are useless to ourselves and others. We need to breathe first before providing air to others. Now, if you saw a mother putting her oxygen mask on first while her child sat beside her unmasked, would you think to yourself, “Look at that selfish parent! She’s not even saving her child!” No. You would see she is doing what needs to be done so both have a chance at survival.
To say this another way, I would like to share with you the following quote from Ayn Rand’s book, The Virtue of Selfishness. If you haven’t yet read it, I would highly recommend you do. In it she writes: “The word ‘selfishness’ is a synonym of evil; the image it conjures is of a murderous brute who tramples over piles of corpses to achieve his own ends… and pursues nothing but the gratification of the mindless whims of any immediate moment. Yet the exact meaning and dictionary definition of the word ‘selfishness’ is: concern with one’s own interests. This concept does not include a moral evaluation; it does not tell us whether concern with one’s own interests is good or evil; nor does it tell us what constitutes man’s actual interests. It is the task of ethics to answer such questions.” I am going to guess some of you were fine with her explanation, however struggled with the connection to virtue. You may have asked yourself, “How could selfishness be considered a virtue?” Virtue is defined as: behavior showing high moral standards. I would argue, if you are doing something that directly benefits you based on your high moral standards you are considered selfish and this is good. You, as described in my previous example, are getting oxygen. To take it one step further, there is nothing virtuous in lowering or diminishing one’s self. Often times you will hear parents talk about their lack of selfcare. They say it as if it deserves a badge of honor. As if their neglect to provide even basic necessities to themselves is in someway an achievement. Let me be clear, having a high moral standard means that you first value yourself. If you do not first value you, how can you value someone outside of yourself?
So please call me a selfish mother. When I value myself enough to honor my needs and wants first I am gaining what I need to live out my moral standards. In doing so, I am a better mother, daughter, sister, and friend. “The man who does not value himself, cannot value anything or anyone.” Ayn Rand. When I think of my children and their view of me, I hope they see a woman committed to personal growth and development. A person committed to excellence in all ways. A person not afraid to try, fail, and persevere. I don’t know about you, but when I die I want to be proud of the unapologetic life I lived for myself. I am selfish and I hope you are too!
I will leave you with one of my favorite quotes from the book mentioned. I hope it pushes you to dig deeper on the concept of selfishness. “To love is to value. Only a rationally selfish man, a man of self esteem, is capable of love – because he is the only man capable of holding firm, consistent, uncompromising, unbetrayed value. The man who does not value himself, cannot value anything or anyone.” Ayn Rand, The Virtue of Selfishness.
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