Last week, while Ruby napped, I began reading through my Mom’s diary when she was pregnant with me. It was fun to read her thoughts and feelings during this busy time in her life. She had my three older sisters to care for and had just started teaching kindergarten to the oldest. I learned that my Mother is fiercely devoted to her calling in life. She takes her role as Mom very seriously and strives for her best. She works tirelessly and doesn’t give up even when she’s scared or unsure. She trust’s her gut, finds encouragement in her faith in Christ, and pushes through pain. As I continued to read her words I felt an appreciation for her deepen. I started to understand her more. I saw her more than my mother. I saw her as a woman just like me. I felt deeply thankful she had made the commitment to write her honest experience. Below are pieces of her journal leading up to my delivery. I hope you take the time to read it. I know you will be glad you did.
August 29th, 1987: “Baby #4 – I give you this diary and account of my thoughts from the beginning times of your very, yet unseen life. You are coming into my life at a very busy time, but you were very planned.”
“My first visit to the doctor was the end of August. They had trouble picking up the heartbeat on the doppler so the doctor ran an ultrasound in his office. It was super! You were very active and the heartrate was beating fine. You looked so cute. Your pregnancy really seemed to come alive for me after seeing the ultrasound. I told the doctor I want to know what the baby is, boy or girl, so around 6 or 7 months I’ll have another ultrasound done.”
“You know God really knows what our family needs and he has it all planned out. So I’m really not concerned. What God’s will is, is what I want! I want to know the sex so I can start planning in my mind. I want to already be set in my mind. I think that will help me in delivery and post delivery to already know. I hate surprises and I always like planning ahead. The girls name will be Joy – as a reminder to us that our 4th girl is a real “joy” to us. The boys name will be Jason Jeffrey – we’ve had that picked out since our 1st birth. I am almost certain already this is another daughter.”
“I love you my sweet baby and look forward to holding and loving you. You’ll come into a family who loves you very much! May God be with you. I thank God for the miracle he is doing right now!”
November 8th, 1987: “My dear little one. You’re growing stronger every day. I can feel you moving around and your thumping and bumping is growing stronger. You Dad felt you moving around about a week or so ago. I can watch my shirt jump around at times. Oh, you are so precious! I think of you everyday! P.S. the doctor thinks you are going to be big – guessing around 9 pounds.”
January 5th, 1988: “Today I went to the doctors office for an ultrasound. You’re now not just a baby or the baby, you are Jason Jeffrey – at least 90% sure. The doctor seemed very sure of the fact. I kept saying – ‘Are you absolutely sure?’ I must have asked him if he was sure 2 or 3 times. The nurse assisting said, ‘Yes. It’s a boy.’ I told her I’d keep the news to myself because Jeff didn’t want to know until the birth. I sure am carrying you different. It seemed for so long I didn’t even look pregnant. Now I am sticking way out and everyone thinks I’m due any moment. I have trouble getting my breath sometimes. I also noticed my ribs at the base almost seem raised and ache at times. Right now I’m so very tired, but that’s just the stage of pregnancy I’m in.”
February 19th, 1988: ” Well, you will soon be coming into this world. Last week I was at the doctor’s and I was dilated 1 centimeter. This past Thursday when I was there again I was dilated 2 centimeters. We plan on celebrating Jenelle’s birthday on the 21st. Her real birthday is on the 24th. I hope you aren’t born on her day. I wanted you to have your own day.”
“I’m kinda looking forward to my hospital stay this time. I’ve got some things I am brining I can work on. It will be great to just rest and have meals brought in and for a change do what I want do – no time limit. Time always flies by for me around here, as I struggle to get everything done. To be honest, the last few nights I’ve gone over and over the birth. I am a little afraid – you have to be. The idea of pushing always scares me. I get through labor – but pushing is so painful and hard.”
February 27th, 1988: “During the night around 1:45 am I started having contractions once an hour – just enough to wake me every time I was ready to get some sleep. I wish I could just get your delivery over with! The pains are not super bad yet. I’m only concerned you are born on the 29th because it is a leap year. You are still active and sensitive to me rubbing my stomach. I can almost feel your little arms and feet nudging my hand! About two nights ago your Dad must have had his hands over my belly for a half hour. As you eagerly banged from side to side. He was amazed.
February 29th, 1988: “Joy Deanna – you are finally here and such a beautiful, precious bundle. You’re Jesus’ little lamb sent into my arms and our hearts. You know they told me in January from the ultrasound you were suppose to be a ‘he’ not a ‘she.’ But you know I wasn’t disappointed. It was so hard getting you out. I really didn’t care.”
“I really am unworthy of God’s many blessings to me, these precious children God has entrusted into my care. It is an awesome responsibility to be a parent, but in this task we do not walk alone! Christ is the one who not only blesses us in motherhood, but continuously and lovingly works in us to make us more than we are.”
Your birthday! February 28th, 1988: “Around 6 am we got to the hospital. It was a chilly morning. The bank weather building said it was 22 degrees outside. I was dilated 9 centimeters. It only took a few minutes for me to be completely dilated. When they moved me to the birthing room my contractions stopped. They wanted me to push. When I finally did start pushing I felt something was wrong because I pushed for a half hour and nothing. By this time I was crying. I remember telling Jeff I just couldn’t do it. He was so good and kept reassuring me. But my muscles were tired and my entire body ached!! When the doctor checked me he said you were caught on the cervix lip and you couldn’t come out. So he pushed it back and down. I kept pushing. You were big. I can remember the burning pain. I felt your head finally slip out. Then those shoulders. I just wanted to get you out! The doctor kept saying, ‘slow down.’ But I thought, ‘no way!’ You were the only one of the girls though I didn’t get to watch in the mirror. It was so hard to push you out. It was all I could do. But your Dad got some excellent pictures. I didn’t even have one tare.”
February 29th, 1988: “Well, you are sleeping next to me so peacefully. I thank God for you – such a work of God! Please know I will always love you. Someday I will only be a memory, but Christ will be with you through all eternity. That’s my job, to point you to Jesus. To raise you in God’s teaching. So when I am gone you can carry on God’s work in your own family. Time is so short and I am going to treasure these moments in time we have together.”
“We have this moment to hold in our hands as it slips through our fingers like sand. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow may never come, but we have this moment today.” Unknown.
Today I celebrate my 36th birthday. 36 years around the sun I’ve lived, laughed, and cried… sometimes doing all three in the same day. I grew up in a small town with nine siblings, graduated college and found my husband at the same university. I welcomed two beautiful babies into this world. I whispered goodbye to an unborn baby. I’ve experienced pain and I’ve experienced joy, but what remains deeply today is GRACE.
I’ve used the word graciousness many times in the past and it always seems to nudge me. As I begin my 36th journey around the sun, I want to build upon my spirit of graciousness not only towards others, but to myself. Since having my second child I now see how my attitude towards myself was not always kind, forgiving, or encouraging. I am working on changing this pattern and will continue to apply myself in this area.
Lastly, I have felt so much love from those closest to me. I feel so deeply touched and grateful. Thank you for loving, encouraging, and supporting me. We all are trying our best and we all are made better by authentically sharing our experience and thoughts with one another.
All the love,
Joy
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