What story are you telling yourself? Whether you realize it or not, we all are telling ourselves a story every day, every minute, and every second. We tell a story about ourselves – “Why did I just yell at my son? I am the worst mom!” We tell a story about other people – “Why won’t she invite me over anymore? She must not like me!” If you’re anything like me, most of my internal stories about myself and others are negative. I have to mentally catch myself in the dialogue to stop it. But you know what that requires? It requires me to slow down long enough to see it. I have to focus my mind. This is challenging because it’s so easy for our minds to go on autopilot. Often times, we don’t even realize we are telling ourselves a story about the world around us. And if you’re not careful, those thoughts can spiral out of hand.
Yesterday, while spending the day outside with my daughter, I caught myself feeling agitated and frustrated. Not with her, but with me. I thought to myself, “What is wrong with you, Joy? You are spending this beautiful day outside with your daughter. You should be so happy and content right now!” But in that moment, I wasn’t feeling content. I was feeling like I wasn’t doing enough. In other words, I was feeling like I was not enough. Can you relate? As a mother that has tasted both worlds – a mom who works outside the home for a paycheck and a mom who works inside the home for no paycheck, I know what it’s like to work in both. Both have pros and cons. Both have their own set of challenges. I am so grateful for the experiences I’ve had thus far because it gives me a basis for reality. When I stopped and asked myself why I was feeling this way I was able to pull myself back into reality. I stopped a story that was not true – “I am just a stay-at-home mom (a loser!). I should be doing something more right now.” I was feeling like the moment I was spending with my daughter at the park was lacking. I was comparing myself to a made-up image in my mind. I thought that if I was doing something more (what that something more was, I don’t know!) I would have felt happier and more fulfilled. The truth is, I don’t believe I would have felt more satisfied if I was working a traditional job and my daughter was at daycare. Truth be told, sometimes our perceptions of reality can deceive us into thinking we’d be happier somewhere else or with someone else.
In Waking Up by Sam Harris, he writes about The Truth of Suffering. “Yet the unsatisfactoriness of the good life runs deeper than this. Even while living safely between emergencies, most of us feel a wide range of painful emotions on a daily basis. When you wake up in the morning, are you filled with joy? How do you feel at work or when looking in the mirror? How satisfied are you with what you’ve accomplished in life? How much of your time with your family is spent surrendered to love and gratitude, and how much is spent just struggling to be happy in one another’s company? Even for extraordinarily lucky people, life is difficult. And when we look at what makes it so, we see that we are all prisoners of our thoughts.”
For me personally, I know many of my internal thoughts stem from my insecurities about myself. And these insecurities are nothing new to me. Most, if not all, began at a very young age. Growing up I was home schooled and came from a home with many siblings. For whatever reasons, I don’t recall in my mind ever feeling smart or intelligent. I didn’t hear people say to me, “you are so smart, Joy!” I wasn’t the “smart one” in my family. But I do vividly remember being praised for my outward appearance. “Oh, you are so beautiful!” “Isn’t she just the cutest thing you’ve ever seen?” I was praised for how I looked as a female. I received attention based on my appearance. I learned that if I wanted something I needed to appear desirable, kind, gentle… like a polished young lady. Due to this, I started telling myself my outward beauty was all I had to offer. I didn’t have the brains for the operation if you will. I only possessed power based on my appearance. I don’t care who you are, this kind of thinking is not healthy and is destructive regardless of gender.
Thankfully, as I’ve gotten older and have increased my life experiences. I’ve been able to break away from this negative perception of myself. However, those underlying thoughts are still there. I carry the weight of those memories in my mind and because they began at such a young age it is my default. I still, to this day, struggle with this narrative and must be mindful of this insecurity.
So, how do we change our internal stories about ourselves and others? How do we separate ourselves from what we think is happening to experiencing what is actually taking place? In my example earlier, what if that friend that no longer is inviting you over is actually struggling to hold everything together? What if she can’t find time for herself, let alone time with you? Believe it or not, your story of reality might just be wrong. You might be telling yourself a story that is false. In the end, the one that is hurt most is you. That friend you are disappointed in may have no idea you are feeling negative thoughts towards them. Ultimately, you are causing yourself more suffering internally. You are a prisoner to your mind.
One way we can change our story is by becoming mindful of our thoughts. We must first draw attention to the thought if we are able to catch it – mindfulness. As Sam Harris points out in Waking Up, “How we pay attention to the present moment largely determines the character of our experience and, therefore, the quality of our lives. Is it possible to be happy before anything happens, before one’s desires are gratified, in spite of life’s difficulties, in the very midst of physical pain, old age, disease, and death?” I believe the answer to this question is Yes. We can find inner peace outside of our internal and physical circumstances. We can change our story.
Once we recognize the thought we can “look on the bright side.” Please understand, I am not saying we deny reality. If something needs fixed for example, we should fix it. But by creating a feeling of gratitude we see there is more good than bad. Sam writes on this topic, “When compared to merely thinking about significant life events, contemplating daily hassles, or comparing oneself favorably to others, thinking about what one is grateful for increases one’s feelings of well-being, motivation, and positive outlook toward the future.”
Next time you start spiraling in thought, take a moment to step back. Ask yourself why you are feeling the way you are. Remember to be gracious and forgiving not only to yourself, but other people because the story you are feeding yourself might just be wrong.
Click here for a great read on this topic: Taming The Mind, A Conversation with Dan Harris
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