I drove slowly to pick-up my son from school. Why was I driving slowly? His voice from earlier reminded me, “Mom, you always pick-me up too early!” He would say this in reference to the heated gaga ball games he would take part in after school and not because he didn’t like coming home. As I drove up and parked, I could see him in the distance with a group of friends. To no surprise of mine, they were in the gaga ball pit. After announcing my arrival and signing him out of his after-school program, I could see on my son’s face it was heated. The heat I was seeing wasn’t coming from the beautiful sunshine we had that day. It was heat from within. “Something happened,” I thought to myself as we neared our vehicle. As we went to the other side of the car, our view was blocked from the playground. I looked again at his face. He was holding back tears. Safely without view of anyone, I opened my arms to him. I didn’t say, “What’s wrong Kenton?” I didn’t push my own feelings of worry or concern on him. The reason behind his expression in that moment didn’t matter. My son needed comfort. He needed me. Arms freely and widely open, I gave him permission to lower his protective wall. I saw the strong face of my first-born child fall with relief. He wrapped his eager arms around my waist. For whatever reason, that day they felt stronger and longer. And yet, they felt exactly like my Kenton. “You will always be my little boy,” my internal voice said. After a pause he released his grip and looked up at me. Again, I held back from asking him any questions. “They all said I was mean,” he quietly said. A flash of heat and hurt passed over his face. “I am sorry,” I responded.
In that moment I learned something. As a parent I didn’t need to fix the situation. I didn’t need to blast my son with questions. I simply needed to be there for whatever he needed. You know the expression, “less is more?” I think we all could benefit from this idea if we practiced it more. How many times have you jumped in to “protect” your child or how many times have you inserted your own agenda into a situation? We do this unknowingly out of selfish intent. “I want to fix the situation, so I don’t have to deal with it anymore. I want to get it off my plate, so I feel less bothered.” But if you step back the “situation” you are experiencing isn’t yours. It’s their experience. And maybe, just maybe your role in this scenario is not to be the hero. You don’t, as a parent, have to fix every problem, challenge, or hurtle your child experiences. Our kids live in an imperfect world. Our kids will face difficult things. Our kids will struggle. But all of that is not necessarily bad and I would argue is not something to avoid.
Recently one of my sister’s asked me what I would do if my child was experiencing a specific situation at their school. She asked, “Joy would you pull your kid out of school if this is what they were experiencing?” It was a loaded question and one that cannot be answered without having all the information. Knowing her time and my time was limited, I responded in the following way. “This is definitely a conversation I would have with my child. But unfortunately, our kids will face difficult things. As long as they have a close relationship with the parents, and they can talk about their experiences I think they will be fine. You can’t hide your child from the world. (This coming from the parent who was homeschooled to the sibling that was also home educated.) It’s important we can discuss and share anything we experience. Kenton heard some kids from school talking about sex recently. Although these were conversations I’d prefer we had when he was older, we discussed it openly. When you take away the fear or secretness of something it loses its power and possibly it’s shame. Our kids are smart. They can and will withstand challenges. But you know your child better than anyone. If you are really concerned, I would bring this up to the school. What you decide to do as a family is personal. I respect you and what you are doing.” What was I ultimately hoping to communicate to my sister? You can do hard things! And this applies to your kids.
As much as you love your child, a part of loving them is allowing them to experience life – touch, taste, explore, try. Life is about living and living is about growing. You can’t grow without pursuing change. Change requires we get uncomfortable so we can achieve our ultimate goals. Temporary discomfort is worth it every time for the lasting benefits we reap when we become more than who we were yesterday. You are strong and capable. And so is your child. Be open to what your child needs. Allow them to express their needs in the way that makes sense to them.
“The secret of endurance is to remember that your pain is temporary but your reward will be eternal.” Rick Warren
Here’s a great read from Meghan Rasnake, How to support your child through tough times.
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