Potty Language!

I can’t be something I am not. And yet, why do I keep telling myself a lie?

Inner voice, “You are such a…” You fill in the rest. I know you can do a better job than me.

Lately I feel like my world has revolved around potty language. My toddler will be three in November, and we are in the thick of potty training. It has officially been a full week of diaper free adventures for Ruby. I am glad to report she is making great progress. But it’s been a journey to say the least. My daughter is much more strong-willed in comparison to her older brother. When she has decided something in her mind it’s hard to break her out of it. And she doesn’t like to be told what to do. Can you relate to her? I know I can. But if I give her options to choose from, she’s more willing to try. She also loves having tasks to do. She loves feeling like she’s my “helper.” Over the past week she adjusted to diaper free days whenever she was not napping or sleeping at night. As soon as I got her out of the crib, I would sit her on her potty. If we had a win right after she woke, the positive momentum would help keep her motivated. Every one to two hours I would ask her if she wanted to sit on the potty. More often than not, she responded with a forceful “No.” After three hours if she had yet to go I would up my ante. “Ruby, I need you to sit on the potty. I don’t want you to have an accident. You have to at least try.” She would counter with, “But I already went potty!” I would respond, “Yes. I know. But you will have to go again. Remember how I just went? I want you to go too.”

On one specific day this battle to sit on the potty heated up. She flat out refused to go after four hours, and we had about ten minutes before we needed to leave the house. I told myself we were not leaving this house until she successfully went the bathroom. I asked her to try. She refused. I told her I would give her a piece of candy if she went. More pushback. I told her she had to sit on the potty. Big, dramatic tears welled up in her eyes and she blurted out a mournful cry. Next the volume of the cry became a scream. I yelled, “What is wrong with you? I don’t care if you don’t want to go! You better sit on the potty, or I am going to spank you!” Her little face was hot and red. Anger and frustration covered her countenance. I stopped myself. I was acting worse than my two-year-old.

Have you ever noticed how the words you yell at others are often times the same words you say to yourself? “What is wrong with you?” I’ve said this to myself more than I care to admit. In that moment I was angry she wasn’t following my instructions. I was frustrated she wasn’t complying with my demands. I saw myself from her vantage point and I looked scary. I was the adult in this scenario and yet I was allowing my emotions to overtake my better judgement. I was a horrible example for her to follow. I said to myself after she finally went the restroom. “I am a horrible mom.” Tears began to bubble up in my eyes now. My daughter was eating the piece of chocolate I promised. We got out of the house on time. I achieved what I wanted. And yet, I felt gross and disappointed in myself. “What is wrong with me? Why am I not doing a better job with this? Why does this feel so hard?”

The truth is, we both were in a situation we didn’t want to be in. She doesn’t want to stop what she is doing and sit on her potty. I don’t enjoy potty training and wished I could be doing almost anything else. This we can agree on. We did not like this moment. But if we can agree this moment sucks, we can agree to get through it… together. The sooner we work together the sooner we will achieve our goal. And that goal is, she continues to play, and I continue my tasks. Rather than yelling like a spoiled child, I could have said, “Okay Ruby, I know you don’t want to sit on your potty, but we need to try. I will be right here with you. Would you like to read a book while we sit? Or would you like to hold your bunny while we try?” If I can remain calm and offer options, we both can maintain a sense of control.

After our explosive potty moment, I hugged my daughter. I said, “I am sorry for yelling at you. I should not have done that. You did a great job using your potty. I was worried you would have an accident when we left the house. It’s important we try to use the potty, so we don’t go in our clothes. I love you!”

Young children do not think about their future. They aren’t preparing for their next step. They simply live in the present moment. Their perspective is on this moment. I guess that is why they are usually happier than adults. They do not yet carry the weight of the past or the burden of tomorrow on their shoulders. As parents we are given the unique opportunity to listen harder, slow down sooner, and hold ourselves to a higher standard. We do this not only for our child’s benefit but our own. When we do this, we make ourselves better. I say this all the time, but my children have made me a better person. Notice what you say to your children, and you will hear the echoes of your own thoughts. As much as you love and protect your child, you need to do that for yourself. Don’t forget you because the words you say to yourself internally will eventually slip from your lips and those words can never be taken back.