Baby of Mine!

2/27/2021 Journal Entry

I sat on the floor in the guest bedroom, the “baby’s room,” and cried. Outside, I could hear the rain gently falling. My tears were flowing with the rain. I looked at the empty crib and imagined what could be. I looked at the empty dresser and imagined what would fill it. A life. A life would fill this empty space. Potential. Hope. Laughter. But in that moment, the only thing that filled it was my tears. Slow and hot. Empty. Empty is how I felt.

In silence, I prayed. And then I got up. When life brings you disappointment and confusion, and you find yourself sitting on the floor crying, do it. Let it out and then get up. Regardless of the pain you are feeling, always get up. It’s important to recognize the pain, but then you must rise from the floor.

3/04/2021 Journal Entry

Yesterday, Wednesday I took a pregnancy test. Two lines. To be honest, I was shocked. This time I did not feel pregnant. I thought to myself, “what? Really?”

It’s crazy how something so small can have such a massive impact on you. I think I am about three or four weeks pregnant now. Although I am excited, it’s hard not to be fearful. Thoughts like, “don’t get too excited, Joy, it might not last,” keep popping into my mind. But I remind myself that regardless of the length of life, however short or long this baby’s life is, it should be celebrated, because it is still a life.

Dear Baby of Mine,

Regardless of what happens, I will love you. My hand is laying on my belly, praying you are safe and healthy. I pray we meet on this earth one day, but if that day should never come, I know I will see you in heaven with your sibling who is already waiting. For now, I will simply love you.

Love you always,

Your Mommy

Present Day

It’s hard to believe the little baby I wrote to is now three years old. Ruby Anne Joy is officially three! Today, I celebrate the life she has had thus far and embrace this moment in time. She comforted my hurting heart after a miscarriage and filled my world with more love than I could have ever imagined.

This is the story of Ruby’s birth on November 6th, 2021. Her due date was set for 11/10/2021. On the day of her birth, I looked forward to spending one more weekend as a family of three. With the sun shining brightly on a Saturday afternoon, we decided to have some fun at the Westerville Recreation Center. The first and last activity we took part in was basketball!

11/06/2021 Ruby’s Arrival

1:18pm- We were playing basketball for about fifteen minutes when I made a quick move to grab the ball. A few seconds later, I felt liquid fill my underpants. I quickly ran to the bathroom and more, clear water came out. I thought to myself, “did my water just break?” After cleaning myself up, I told Steven what had happened. At this point I felt completely normal – no contractions that I could feel or any pain. I called my mom to see what she thought. She suggested I call my midwife because it may have been my water breaking. I called her and told her I wasn’t having any contractions, and it didn’t seem like much more liquid was coming out at this point. The time was 1:40pm. She suggested I get a pad on and start monitoring how much liquid was releasing. I went back to where Steven and Kenton were playing and thought, “maybe we’ll play just a little longer and then go.” But as soon as the thought left my mind, I began to feel pressure in my lower abdomen. From experience with my first child, I could feel these were the beginning signs of labor. Next, I called my mother-in-law, caught her up on the events of the day, and told her we might be going to the hospital. If so, Kenton would be coming over shortly. Before doing this, however, we headed home to gather my hospital bag. On our drive I began timing the contractions. By the time we got home, they were noticeable. After collecting our items, we made our way to my mother-in-law’s home where we left Kenton. When we arrived, I stayed in the car as my contractions were getting closer and stronger. Pressure was building. Before going, my mother-in-law came out and placed her hand on my belly. She said a prayer of protection for Ruby and me and then we drove to The Ohio State Wexner Medical Center. By the time we arrived, my contractions were becoming frequently close and painful. It was challenging to walk through the contractions as we made our way to the sixth floor. Once we arrived, we checked in. I remember having a difficult time talking as my contraction built. Once checked in, they took me to triage at 3:15pm. I was already dilated between 8 and 9 centimeters. They told me my water hadn’t fully broken just yet but seemed to be in the process. They wanted to get me into my delivery room right away. After the nurse told me this, I stopped her and said, “but don’t you need to give me a covid test first?” She responded with, “honey, you are about to have a baby – we’ll worry about that later.” We were in our delivery room at 3:30pm. The staff assisting me were amazing! With their guidance, I began pushing right away and my contractions quickly accelerated. Shortly after pushing, Becky, my midwife arrived. The contractions were so intense. Much more intense than my first delivery with my son. I had a hard time breathing and when they came, they seemed to last forever. I spent most of my time on my knees holding onto the back of the hospital bed and Steven’s hand. Maybe ten minutes before 4:30pm Becky had me move down the bed into a side laying position. When she asked me to do this, I thought to myself, “but I haven’t been pushing long enough. She can’t be ready to come out.” I was wrong. Ruby was ready to go. Her heart rate remained steady and normal through the delivery. I pushed. “Joy, push like you are mad at me,” my midwife said. I tried to get a breath in between the contractions. Once I came down from it, I took a big breath. Trying my hardest to rest before the next one took over my midwife said, “You are so strong, Joy. She’s almost here. You can do this.” I nodded my head and said, “yes.” I thought to myself, “I can, and I will do this.” I announced to everyone, “it’s coming!” Becky said, “okay Joy, when it comes, I want you to take a deep breath and push down. Put your chin down when you do this.” Again, I nodded. An overwhelming urge took over in my body to push. I heard Becky say to me, “push like you want to see your daughter, Joy.” I thought to myself, “I want to see you, Ruby!” Pain, Pressure, and Perseverance pumped through me. “Look Joy! She’s here!” I opened my eyes and saw the best image one hopes to see. My little girl! Arms outstretched; she was laying on my belly. Warm and slippery, I heard her little cry begin to build. Pure relief flooded me. Ruby was finally in my arms. It was 4:36pm. Ruby cried a little longer. Her umbilical cord was short so I couldn’t pull her up too high, but once her dad cut it, we were good to go. She began to nurse. Her latch was perfect. She was perfect. She seemed so little in my arms. Two eyes. Two ears. Five fingers and toes on both extremities. She was beautiful. The fight was over. My body had done what it needed to do. I was so proud. I said to myself, “we did it! We are okay!” The nurse assisting took some photos, and we rested in our delivery room for two hours. Ruby weighed 7 pounds, 3 oz. Her length was 20.25 in.

Present Day

As I write and re-read my words above, it feels like yesterday since Ruby’s arrival. Tears fill my eyes, and I go back in time to our delivery room. Moment by moment shaped our past. Those moments changed us forever. A life gave life to another life. How beautiful. How strange. How meaningful. I am forever grateful to share in the life I so very much cherish, my daughter’s!

Happy Birthday, Ruby! I love you to the moon and beyond!