Thanksgiving is right around the corner and while I love celebrating the most grateful holiday of the year, it’s hard not to feel anxious.
The night before, I dreamed I was at my childhood home for the holidays and two of my three older sisters were there. The one began to tell me I was storing my avocados incorrectly, in the refrigerator, and by doing this I was in some way giving myself cancer after I consumed the tampered avocados. (I eat at least one avocado every day and I am obsessed with them!) My next interaction was with my other sister. Although I cannot remember what our conversation consisted of, in my dream I was very frustrated and bothered by it. Helpless would probably be a fitting descriptor for how I was feeling in my dream. Next, while gathered with the rest of the family, without warning, my lower teeth began to fall out of my mouth. Fear and worry filled me as I was yet again helpless and completely powerless. Thankfully, shortly after losing all of my lower teeth, I woke from my slumber with relief as I realized it was only a dream. I am happy to report, I still have all of my teeth!
Without fail, my anxiety levels increase as I plan for the events of the holiday season. For me, it’s not that I do not enjoy gatherings or parties, I actually love creating holiday moments, it’s the other players involved that stress me out. I won’t beat around the bush here; I have anxiety around spending time with family. Can you relate to this? As I thought about how I was feeling I googled the following question, “what is the number one thing people stress over when it comes to the holidays?” One of the top reasons was “anticipating family conflict.” American Psychological Association shared an interesting article, Even A Joyous Holiday Season Can Cause Stress For Most Americans. They noted the following: “The holiday season can be both a happy and stressful time of year in part due to expectations to spend time with family and friends, navigate family conflicts and uphold important traditions,” said Arthur C. Evans Jr., PhD, APA’s chief executive officer. “At this hectic time of year, it is important that people take care of their mental health.”
“To manage the stress of the holiday season, nearly nine in 10 adults who reported experiencing stress at this time (88%) said they have coping mechanisms that help them handle it. A majority of adults who experience stress (70%) said they are comfortable talking with others about their stress during this time—although only 41% said they actually do so—while others focus on strategies such as managing their expectations (38%), reminding themselves that the season will pass (35%) or volunteering to help others (16%).”
“Though the holidays may increase stress levels, they can also be an opportunity. Psychological science tells us that setting aside time to strengthen our relationships and engage in traditions can benefit our physical, mental and emotional well-being, which can prepare us to better manage stress year-round,” said Evans.
Humans, this includes your family too, can be unpredictable at times and people make their own choices based on their own desires and goals. We cannot control what others say or do. However, there is an extra layer to this when it comes to family. And it’s called history. Yes, humans have the freewill to make their own choices, but it feels different when it’s coming from someone that has known you from childhood or for many years. They’ve seen your life unfold up to this point and they know about your highs and lows. The relationships we have with family is so personal and therefore is more vulnerable to potential hurt and pain. Certainly, we can influence and encourage others to have positive responses and reactions, but what they ultimately decide to do is on them… not you!
Over the past few years, I have worked on and have improved my ability to remain truthful to myself and not allow myself to get upset at things beyond my control. If someone decides to say something I do not agree with or if they decide to treat me in a way I do not appreciate, I do not have to react. I do not have to engage with them. When I was younger, I thought by not voicing my opinion or by not reacting I was in some way weak. I thought I needed to step in and educate them so to speak. I needed to show them “the way.” As I’ve learned however, I had this all wrong. It is not my job to educate or instruct others. My job is to remain faithful to myself. My job is to honor who and what I am. Other people’s actions are not a reflection of me. I am not them and they are not me. I am more powerful when I do not give in to their behavior. I protect my energy and do not waste it on people or things that do not positively impact my life. This is called walking away both figuratively and literally. And it takes discipline. Not wasting your precious energy on little minded behavior takes courage and strength, but once you realize your power from within you will see how important this is for your wellbeing.
You are stronger than you think, and you can withstand difficult moments. You can be around family members you do not agree with. You can have positive conversations with family members you normally would not engage with. You can be respectful in the midst of difficult interactions. Remind yourself that just because you don’t give in to their behavior, you are not in any way agreeing with them. Sometimes not saying something communicates more than actual verbal words. As you continue to push through difficult conversations and remain faithful to yourself you will see your inner strength grow. As a reminder, be patient with yourself because this does not happen overnight. For me, I became happier and healthier as I continued to practice this. I learned to trust myself more. I learned to love myself more. I learned to stand on my own two feet regardless of my family’s approval or praise. Would I love to have great relationships with all of my extended family? Yes. The truth is, I would love to have honest and loving relationships with all of them, but I am not the only player here. It takes both parties to humbly and respectfully come together in an honest way. This can only happen when both sides decide to love the other regardless of their life choices.
As you can see, family anxiety is a real thing, and it unfortunately can create unneeded stress for many of us as we prepare for it. But it does not have to define our experience. It does not have to take away our enjoyment. We can have a holiday season that is positively meaningful to us. We can do this by staying in tune with ourselves and protecting our wellbeing. When we honor ourselves first, we honor everyone else around us.
Below are a few things that have helped me.
- Journaling – If you are not already journaling, begin by setting aside thirty minutes once week to write. If you are unsure of what to write start by retelling your day. What did you do that day? How did it make you feel? As you continue to write more thoughts and emotions will build. As you become more comfortable, try to increase your writing time to two or three times a week. Once done writing, read back what you wrote. Question your thoughts. Do you agree with your words? Is there something more to add? By putting your thoughts down on paper, it allows you to put them somewhere else. For me, it allows me to free up space in my mind and it gives me more clarity. I no longer need to carry those thoughts or memories in my mind. They are where they need to be – in the past.
- Cleaning, organizing, and decorating your home – I don’t know if you can relate, but nothing makes me happier than seeing a clean and organized home. My home is my safe haven. It is very personal to me because it is where I can let my guard down. I am vulnerable and free in my home. When I clean and decorate my home, I feel healthy and happy. It makes me happy seeing my home in the state I desire. The holiday season is the perfect time to deep clean rooms, declutter closets, and decorate your home in the vibe you want.
- Positively moving your body – get up and get moving! Depending on your physical needs do anything physical that positively raises your heartrate. If you do not have access to a gym or fitness classes begin by simply walking. Walking outside or inside your home will increase your blood flow and get those positive endorphins flowing. For me, I like to take my kids to the park or on walks. We run around. We jump and skip together. We proactively move our bodies in a way that feels good to us. Whatever gets you moving, do it. And the best part is, the more you move the more you’ll want to continue moving!
How to decorate your holiday dining table!
Nothing is more fun than decorating your table for the holiday season! I like to begin by deep cleaning my table. That’s right, you need a clean canvas before you start creating. Wash the table, the floor below it, and the chairs around it. Once your table is clean and dry begin to layer. I love a layered table because it creates depth and interest. Start by putting a base or center to the table. This could be one item or many items. This year I used a light cream-colored fabric runner to be my center base. The neutrality of it allowed me to build without clashing colors. From there I put down a green garland to twist along the center. Next, I placed seasonal gourdes and fruit along the middle. I used an acorn squash and a butternut squash I will roast later to represent harvest and Thanksgiving. The pomegranates I used was a reflection of fertility for both Thanksgiving and Christmas. They were the only warm colored items I used for my table. Next, I placed three simple candles evenly on the table. Atop each candle was a miniature evergreen tree. I loved the simplicity of the candle as I felt it brought interest and texture to the table. When thinking about decorating your table, decide on your color scheme and stick with it. If you use more than 3-5 color themes, it begins to get too busy. Refraining from clutter actually takes more discipline than most people realize, but the less you pull into the table the more classic and memorable it will be.
Final note, there is nothing you need to do to prove you are doing enough. You have everything you need right inside of you. You do not need other people’s approval, although it would be nice and welcomed. But if you never receive it, just know it does not take away any of the worth you possess. Trust yourself. Honor yourself. And holiday your way!
All the love,
Joy/Mom
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