A moment of silence. Will I take it? You better believe I will! Both of my kids are currently out of the house, and I am hoping to organize a few thoughts that have been bouncing around in my head. I sit with my journal in hand as my favorite black pen tries to keep up with my thoughts.
Yesterday I started listening to a podcast about unmet needs by Harmonic Atheist, The relationship between unmet needs and faith. Now if I know my readers like I think I do, please do not stop reading simply because you saw “atheist” before your eyes. I promise God will not strike you down for continuing to read! As the speaker spoke, I couldn’t help but feel like I was hearing many of my own internal thoughts verbalized for me. I took notes as I listened and nodded my head in agreement as examples from my past popped into my mind. My little girl, Ruby sat beside me listening while eating her lunch. The sun was shining in on us as we sat at the dining room table. As I took notes, from the corner of my eye, I’d catch her watching me with curiosity. Every so often, I’d take my eyes off the page and look at her. As soon as our eyes met, she’d smile up at me brightly. “She looks so happy,” I thought with gratitude. My little girl’s smile was bright, innocent, and pure. She literally looked like she didn’t have a single worry in the world. The thought came to me, “I wish I could be as carefree as you are right now.” Time and experience are blunt, tough, and sometimes painful instructors. Whether we have a choice or not, we will be shaped by the environment we are placed in. The podcast we listened to covered a few topics, but the one that stuck with me most was worthiness. Before I go further, I want to share with you my journal entry from September 20th, 2024. From the writing I think you will see how some of my past experiences in the church have shaped my view of myself on this topic.
September 20th, 2024 – Over the past years, I’ve pushed myself to look at things differently. I’ve strived to ask more questions, humble myself, and challenge my world view. Why did I start this journey? I was tired of not being authentic with myself and others. I deeply desired honesty with myself. I craved truth. I craved the ability to finally feel what I feel and to share that without fear of other’s acceptance. So much of what I did in the past was for the approval of others. My motivation was their acceptance of me. I needed their approval as a way of proving to myself I had value.
I don’t know what happens after death. And the truth is, you don’t really know either. Growing up I was raised in a Christian household. From a young age we were taught there is a heaven and hell. When you take your final breath on this earth you will go to either one depending on whether you repented of your sins to Jesus Christ. As it stands, there is no proof of an afterlife and while I would love to take comfort in the arms of a savior because I am a sinner in need of grace, when I cross over, I won’t be able to come back and let you know the truth.
From as far back as I can remember, my parents would take myself and my siblings to Revival. Ever hear of it? It’s a time, usually once a year, when the church likes to inspire their congregation to preach the gospel to all people and to (hopefully) welcome new members to the faith family. In my experience, this was a weeklong endeavor of services designed to create a fire around the mission of Christ. Lively singing, sermons, and calls to action followed as a way to proclaim God’s eventual return to earth. It is a battle cry to call Christians to continue fighting the good fight of Christ. If you have ever attended one of these services, it’s hard not to get swept up into the emotions of the music and drama around you. It’s loud and it’s proud for the one they consider the Alpha and Omega. Towards the end of each service, the congregation leader would ask all in attendance if there was anyone that needed to accept Jesus into their heart or if there was anyone in need of confessing their sins to Jesus. Without fail, the lights would dim, the music would become slower and quieter as the call to approach would be repeated. As an adolescent looking for acceptance and desperately trying to figure out life, I would feel the pull on my heart to approach the alter and an inner voice would say to me, “look at all the mistakes you’ve made. They are probably doing this tonight because of you. You should go down and pray.” A lump would build in my throat, my hands would become sweaty with anxiety, only further reaffirming my insecure thoughts of myself. Pressure would build as the call to listen to the tug on your heart would be repeated over and over. “Don’t turn away from the calling of Christ,” they’d say over and over. With eyes secretly opened, I watched person after person approach the front. “If she’s going down, I guess I should too,” I’d say to myself as I watched from my chair. During this time, I believed based on the teachings I received, my worthiness was not of my own, but of Christ’s. How would I be able to serve my Savior if I did not first follow his leading in my life?
Worthy – “The concept of “worthy” in the Bible encompasses notions of value, honor, and deservingness, often in relation to God, Christ, and human conduct. The term is used to describe both the inherent worthiness of God and Christ and the expected worthiness of believers in their conduct and faith.” Topical Encyclopedia
“You are worthy, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and power, for you created all things, and by your will they were created and have their being.” Revelation 4:11
“I indeed baptize you in water for repentance, but he who comes after me is mightier than I, whose shoes I am not worthy to carry. He will baptize you in the Holy Spirit.” Matthew 3:11
What does this all mean? It means that without a savior we have no value because our value, our worthiness comes from something outside of ourselves. This is an invisible threat to keep us feeling guilty and dependent on something other than ourselves, pulling us further back in an effort to distrust ourselves. The insecurity we feel continues to perpetuate this thought and we soon create a cycle. A cycle of dependance and a message of one where we should not trust ourselves. External validation is required for internal peace. This peace, however, is only found in someone else, Jesus Christ.
As Harmonic Atheist continued to speak, he pointed out the word worthiness, according to Christianity, is NOT a thing. Below are my notes from his podcast: “Worthiness” says that you are not enough. You are insufficient. You are worthless and you need to be “filled up.” Your reliance on God is the only way. This ties into the idea of Original Sin and applies a profound sense of guilt. We are flawed without God. There is a promise of unconditional love, but it is both comforting and condemning, instilling a sense of guilt. The messaging, therefore, lies around faith and deeds – strive for love but know you are not worthy of love. When we live life this way unmet needs are created within ourselves. Your value does not come from yourself. This rigid framework of thinking carves away from who you really are. Your feelings have to be controlled, and your emotions need to be re-shaped to fit into the ideals of Christianity. It diminishes what you are experiencing and feeling. Beneath it all is fear – “I am not enough. I am void of value and worth because my worth comes from God only.” This creates an internal prison to avoid punishment by giving devotion to God only. Emotional dependance. This shapes your view of yourself. It’s a diminishing cycle of devaluing your self-worth. Cycle of shame that doesn’t go away. Your self talk says that you are never enough without God. “God’s grace is bigger!” This then becomes an internal war and one where you can never step into your own internal strength. This crushes our self-trust. This is a powerful motivator for conditional approval to perform at a certain level. Christianity deprives you of the ability to live your life honestly and truthfully. And what is left? Unmet needs that cannot be aired out because if you did you would be seen as unfaithful and wrong. So, what do we do? We push those needs down in an effort to hide ourselves. Devaluing ourselves even further. Are you sinful or just human? Your acts of devotion are tied into your sense of worthiness. You do all this work to be worthy and yet at the end of it all is a shadow. It isn’t real. Your true self is now a ghost. Let’s identify our true, real needs within ourselves. What are your unmet needs?
Did you know that you have value; you’re worthy just because you’re you? Could you imagine if my little girl grew up thinking that she needed something or someone to give her value? I don’t want her living that way and neither should you!
Trust yourself! Love yourself!
You are worthy of love with no contingencies attached. Too many of us are afraid to love ourselves out of a fear of appearing prideful. This thinking is damaging to your self-worth and self-esteem. When you live this way, you deny yourself the ability to really know yourself fully. It is okay to love yourself and everything that comes with that. You are enough and what you choose to do with your life is your choice. You are free to explore, challenge, and grow.
You are valuable because you are you!
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