14 years of marriage! Just reading that sentence makes me feel exhausted. Today as I try to reflect on the past year my spouse and I had, I admit it is challenging to recall everything we experienced. This past year simply went by too quickly. So quickly in fact, I swear we celebrated yesterday.
If you would have asked me on my wedding day what I thought my marriage would look like fourteen years into the future, I wouldn’t have told you how many kids I’d hope to have (“I’m not sure I even want one!” I’d clap back in my overly confident naive voice.) or where we’d be living. I would, however, tell you I hoped to have my best friend by my side. My partner in life, sharing life with me. I’d hope to have someone to connect with through all of our highs and lows. Click here to see some moments from our wedding day. Fast forward to today and those desires still remain. What is different this time, thankfully is that I understand better how to make those desires a reality. We all want love. However, actually receiving love is a different story.
If you’ve ever been in a relationship for very long, you know connection doesn’t just happen. But desire and lust are a different story. There’s not much effort involved when you see something that catches your eye. It’s that initial attraction and sometimes it can’t be explained. You are simply drawn to each other. When I first met my husband, Steven, the first thing I noticed about him was his height. He was tall, confident, and strong. He made me feel protected and safe when I was next to him. He even got us out of a potentially dangerous situation one evening while driving on his motorcycle. That same evening was the first time I knew I liked him more than a friend. The desire I had for him physically (Is it getting hot in here or is it just me?) first drew me to him. It’s what made me say “yes” to his request for our first date. What followed next, however took time, failure, and commitment.
What does it mean to have a connection with someone? If you google this question, you will find the following: “To feel a sense of closeness, understanding, and mutual affinity with another person, often going beyond surface-level interactions, where you feel seen, heard, and valued on a deeper level, sharing experiences, thoughts, and emotions comfortably with them.” For me, connection with your partner means openly and honestly sharing your past, present, and hopes with them. It’s vulnerable, raw, and real. It’s a relationship where both parties feel safe to be open and unguarded. This my friend is the kind of marriage I hope we all can have.
I’ve learned over the years that to have the type of connection I just described doesn’t happen overnight and it’s a journey that never ends because there is no final destination. It’s ever evolving and developing. The connection happens as life happens. It happens while life is in motion because without change there is nothing for the two of you to grow and connect on. Keep in mind, a marriage is never perfect, and I would argue a marriage isn’t supposed to be perfect. If you’re looking for perfection you might as well call it quits now because it’s not happening. Marriage is a commitment between two flawed individuals crazy enough to battle out life together.
The truth is, we all want love, but sometimes we don’t either know how to receive love or we are unclear on the type of love we are desiring. And in some cases, both are true. We desire love, but we don’t know what type of love fills us up and we certainly don’t know how to go about getting it because if we did, we’d be feeling loved already. Are you following me? This is why they say, “The beginning of love is loving yourself.” Loving yourself means you are connected with yourself. Your partner may be giving you love and yet you feel no love from them. How is this possible? Perhaps you are missing it because it’s not the type of love you are in need of. Becoming clear within yourself as to what you need to feel loved is the first step in actually feeling love from your partner.
Today as I write on my 14th wedding anniversary, I want to share a piece of advice I’ve only just begun to learn over the past few years. I hope you find it helpful regardless of your relationship status.
There is no shame in love. There is nothing you cannot share in a marriage. When you remove the fear of shame you realize it no longer has a hold on you. It no longer keeps you hiding and therefore inauthentic to your true self. You are more than what you have become. Your growth is not over and every stumble, every fall is an opportunity to strengthen your knowledge and experience. Life happens, but it’s your choice in how you will navigate through it. Trust and respect yourself first. And then offer the same grace to your partner. You are whole and worthy just as you are and the same applies to your partner. You come together not because you need the other to fulfill you, but because you want to be a part of their journey – their joy, their success, their growth. You encourage and uplift the other by your side and through the journey you achieve both of your goals. Marriage is not a competition. It’s a companionship!
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