Sometimes you need to look back to look forward. But if I am being honest, I do not like to look back. Can you relate? For me, even in the greatest moments of my life, I still cringe a little as I bring my attention to the past. Inevitably I tend to color memories with feelings of insecurity and dissatisfaction. I am a master at finding fault. I do this because I am a seeker of perfection. I tell myself things could always improve—could always look or feel a little better. And while this pushes me forward, I often miss out on simply accepting what is.
Why can’t the imperfections be perfect? Why must you miss out on the joy of what is? Let me be clear—accepting what is does not mean you don’t work toward your goals. It simply means you accept the present moment and fully live—now.
In this present moment, I look out my window. Sunlight gently floods my room, and the promise of warmer weather lingers in the air. Lying next to me is a birthday card from my parents. My mother’s handwriting brings me back to when I was a child. I remember watching her write. Every stroke looked like art, but the best part of every swirl and curve was the beautiful message it revealed. The message today offers yet another reminder:
Joy, this card has a beautiful blue flower that is so colorful and has a beautiful aroma. It reminds me of you. You are so full of life and embrace living. When you were born, it was snowing so hard Dad couldn’t even see the parking lines. The next day he got a parking ticket (the hospital reversed it).
You loved to sing. You loved being in church plays. You had such a beautiful voice. When we traveled and sang, you did an amazing job. Look at you now, all grown up and such a great mom. Joy, draw close to God every year. In the end, you’ll find the love of your life was there all along and loves you in a way no one ever could.
Love you always,
Mom and Dad
Last week, the snow had nearly melted and the temperature rose to almost 40. For February in Ohio, this felt like a gift. With that in mind, my family went to the zoo for a little weekend fun. As we walked through, I couldn’t help but be reminded of past visits—memories of Kenton wobbling along in his tiny shoes, of being pregnant with Ruby, standing belly to belly with my then-pregnant sister, Jil. We both wore black dresses, had blonde hair, and big grins. And the moment I saw one of my other sisters in the sea lion exhibit after years of not seeing her in person—wrapping my arms around her, wanting to say so much, yet not wanting to interrupt the present embrace. Hoping I could hold her just a little longer.
Those moments filled me. And instead of regret or dread, I simply felt at peace with the life I had and was given. Every past moment has been a stepping stone forward. The past is simply that: the past. What was will never be again because we are not the same.
This is what I reminded myself of: Joy, you will never be the same as yesterday because today is not yesterday. It can’t be repeated. And just because something happened that could be viewed as negative does not need to change your view of the past. Acceptance is powerful. If we can refrain from telling ourselves stories about what happened—placing judgment on it—and instead allow it to be what it is, we can find acceptance and joy regardless of the situation.
A recent example of this is still an ongoing challenge for me. A sister of mine, for reasons unclear at the time, shut me out. Because of the physical distance between us, our only interactions had been through phone calls and texts. All communication ceased at the beginning of December, and I was left feeling confused, worried, and hurt. Thoughts of “what if” plagued my mind. What if I said something to upset her? What if we never talk again? What if the relationship we had is over?
As my mind spiraled, I brought awareness to it and realized it wasn’t serving me—it was causing me pain. I grounded my thoughts in what is. What do I know to be true? Not what I speculate.
With her birthday just a few days before mine, I bought her a card and let my words flow. I expressed my desire to hear her voice again and shared a memory from our teenage years. I also wrote that although I’d love to reconnect, I needed to honor her boundaries and her needs. The truth was, I didn’t know what she was going through. I didn’t know what she needed. Instead of trying to change the moment—or her—I chose to accept it for what it was.
This, my friend, is all we can do. What others choose and what life throws at us are simply moments in time. What we decide to do with them—the story we tell ourselves in response—is our choice. We can respond in a million different ways. Choose wisely. Choose to remain grounded in the facts you truly have, and refrain from writing stories based on unfounded thoughts.
As I let go of those thoughts, I received a text from my sister. Excitement and worry hit me as I looked at the unopened message. I swallowed my fear, opened it, and began to read. Her words were kind and gracious. Her explanation brought me clarity. I told her I wanted to be a safe place for her—free of judgment. What I meant was that I wanted a relationship with her, and she was in the driver’s seat of what that looked like.
To say I was grateful to hear from her would be an understatement. During our exchange, I kept reminding myself: be a safe place. Accept her words without judgment. Allow them to be. Because the truth is, I cannot fully feel what she is feeling. Her experience is her own. I cannot change it, and I cannot change how she reacts because of it. I can only listen and allow what is to be. So I listened, doing my best not to place judgment on the situation. Ultimately, I wanted to love my sister in a way that felt safe to her.
After our exchange, I felt both tired and grateful—grateful for the opportunity to hear her thoughts. I needed that clarity. Did I hope things were different? One hundred percent. But as I reflected, I realized there was progress. And even the smallest wins are still wins.
Today, as I reflect on my birthday, I feel a sense of peace. Where I am is a combination of choices and luck. The life I’ve been given isn’t perfect, but it’s exactly what I need because I choose to see the wonder in it. I choose to see the rarity of it—it’s my life, and it’s a precious gift only I get to unwrap each day. What I choose to do with my time and my life is ultimately my choice. What a powerful thought.
As I embark on this new journey around the sun, I accept what is and find my peace from within.
You can find joy despite pain, fear, and worry. You can find peace in acceptance. This moment is a precious gift—and you are a precious gift simply because you are you. Acceptance of others is powerful, but acceptance of yourself is a superpower.
Leave a Reply